Ladies and Gentlemen take my advice...

Well it is certainly about time that all of us here at the 4077th Cellphone join in on the mass hysteria that is the latest Pandemic of global proportions. I am of course talking about the Swine Flu or the 2009 VH1 H1N1 Outbreak.

Now I am not a medical expert, though I play one on a blog. But I am a critic of pop culture and the media.

So this is what I have been able to take away from the coverage thus far. Swine Flu is pretty much just like the normal flu, except this particular strain of the virus originated in pigs. This flu has killed faaaaaaaaaar less people than the average run of the mill every day flu.

One thing I have heard is that the Pork Futures market has taken a hit this week with the pandemic of fear spreading out from the depths of Wolf Biltzer's beard.

Now this is silly since you can't get swine flu from eating pork products. Nor can you catch swine flu if Air Force One flies over your town in a terrifying demonstration of political ignorance.

But that is not why you tuned it. What is the real lesson we can learn from this outbreak? Should we close the borders to New Mexico? Probably. Should we kill all the cats? Most likely.

But the real lesson to take away from this outbreak is one that Aaron Morey will be every excited about. Quite simply, Americans are NOT eating enough bacon!

Think about it! If Americans were eating more bacon, there would be less pigs walking around being able to get sick. If pigs weren't walking around getting sick they wouldn't be able to make out with people and thus transferring their variety of the flu to humans.

So eat more bacon and there will be less pigs and you will effectively help prevent a global pandemic. Sounds like a good plan.

Ladies and gentleman take my advice, if you need a global pandemic as a reason to cancel an event called "Kiss the pig" at your school, maybe you should rethink your fundraiser endeavors.

Extra points to anyone who catches that mid 90s pop culture reference.

So today at work I was reflecting on how sometimes the way things are going seem silly. I say, "Well I never would have planned it this way." That's when I remembered, Oh yeah, I DIDN'T plan it this way. God did. And even though I may not be able to make sense of this part of the plan at all times, I have to trust that God made the plan and He will see it to the finish. Even if I never entirely understand the plan, I know that it is His plan.

I mean look at the plan of Salvation. That didn't really seem to make a lot of sense at the time I am sure, but look how good its turned out. So to demonstrate that, I got out the fiction side of my brain and tried to flex it.

The following is the result. This may sound heretical or blasphemous at times, but that is not my intention at all. So heretical police and Aaron Morey, please stand down for the moment. It is purely intended for fun. It is neither a theology or history lesson.

It's the story about the day Jesus found out God the Father's big plans for him.

Phone call from God the Father to Jesus

Re: Mankind’s Salvation

ARE YOU READY DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA

Bleep ONE MISSED CALL

Jesus: Woops, I was so entranced in that ring tone that I missed a call. It was like walking on water! Who was it from? Oh, it was my Dad. I better call him back before He gets too busy with creation again. I feel like I haven’t talked to Him in like a week.

Abba! What up Dad?

No I haven’t talked to Adam or Eve today. We’re supposed to hang out later today.

Lucifer? I thought you took care of him?

Yeah, well I told you Freewill was going to be tough.

He can shapeshift now? Into what!?

He told her what about the tree?

Adam ate it too! Ohhhh Me.

Fig leaves huh? Well maybe they will figure out Sandals soon.

So now what?

They’ll need some help to get back here won’t they?

You want me to help them?

Yeah, but

But

You want me to become a what!?

But

No I know, but

Sigh

Born of a virgin you say? Who would agree to that?

Oh she did? Yeah you told me she was going to be Immaculate.

Alright, so I take on human form, be born as one of them, live as one of them, and then teach them how to get back here with you and me and Steve.

I know he prefers to be called the Holy Spirit, but until there is some doctrine of the Trinity I am just going to call Him Steve.

So I go down, do some miracles, and badda bing badda boom! They are back to heaven?

How much more?

You are killing me with this you know. Literally

You want me to take on their sins and die!?

This doesn’t sound like a great idea.

Can’t you just punish them with like a flood or something?

Oh you tried that?

Hmm, well how bout making a covenant with them?

Broke that too eh? I am beginning to understand your frustration

Alright so I go down there, I live, I teach, I die and then I rise?

That just might work.

I get a church? Woo hoo. I’ve always wanted my own church.

Alright well, it seems like you’ve had an eternity to map out this plan. It kind of sounds silly at first but I must confess, it seems like you’ve thought of pretty much everything.

When do we begin?

You mean I have to work Christmas? Sheesh.

Alright, love you too.

Bye.

Ladies and gentleman take my advice, try and use this time of Lent as an opportunity to grow more in your trust of the Lord and His plan. I will pray for you. Please keep me and my trust level in your prayers as well.

Ladies and gentleman take my advice, you can't have Lent without LEN.

No this is not some love sick steroid induced Valentines day post. This is in fact a public service of some measure. The following is a product review.

We here at the 4077th CellPhone have one thing on our minds at all times. No not that. Its to help YOU the consumer to become better informed.

In an economic climate that can best be described as Armageddon, there has been an increase in the number of products available on the market to help you the consumer save money. One of the most widely advertised and reportedly most successful products has been The Snuggie.

Yes I know your saying to yourself, wasn't that a character on Seasame Street?

The Snuggie is known as the blanket with arms. Because how often are you sitting on the couch with a blanket when suddenly a British Soldier (redcoat) breaks into your house and tries to violate your Third Amendment rights. If only your blanket had sleeves you could have easily exercised your second amendment rights and shot him with that sawed off shot gun you keep on you while watching MTV, just in case.

Now you too can have the safety and security that comes with the Snuggie.

By Now you have probalby all seen the commericals. Old man with a snuggie. Old woman with snuggie. Whole family with matching snuggies participating in some type of pagan fertility rituals around a fire or while attending a local sporting events.

If your like me you wondered, does the Snuggie really work? Isn't it just a backwards robe?

Well I recently had the opportunity to test drive a snuggie and the following are my impressions.



I will admit, the sheer adrenaline and excitment are overwhelming. The sheer notion of seeing a Snuggie in real life and having the opportunity to try it on are invigorating. Though this is a wonderful feeling that could only otherwise be achieved with illicit pharmacuetical products, it may not be the desired result when relaxing on the couch.




Once the initial reaction of the Snuggie vanishes, the wearer is left with over sized sleeves and a backend that is almost constantly exposed. Reminds me of my first marriage.

One is tempted to engage in religious ceremonies again not exactly the "relaxing" feeling you were initially going for.

One major flaw that can almost be seen in the photo above is that there is no way to secure the snuggie around your backend. It is almost like a hospital gown. And if you can't walk around naked in your snuggie, really what is the point.

For me I will have to stick with the old fashioned robe.

(Psychotic-Aaron Morey-Eating Dog not included)

As you can see here the robe is secured with an amazing invention most comparable with a belt. My back end is modestly covered as well as my front. It is both warm and convenient.

So in the end I believe the blanket can come out of hiding as the Snuggie, however popular it may be will not be replacing it in bedrooms across the country anytime soon. That is unless of course the Blanket tried to sell a seat on the couch and the State Senate decides to remove the Blanket entirely from office. If that happens, well then the Snuggie will probably take over and try to raise taxes.

Ladies and gentlemen take my advice, if you are forced to choose between a Snuggie and a Slanket, go with the Snuggie. Nothing really beats name brand recognition in this frosty economic climate.

Anyone who is a regular follower of my blog (follower in the sense of paying attention like Aaron Morey, not follower in the sense of bowing down and worshiping as in the case of President Obama {sorry I had to piss of Alex somehow}). Technically I was still in the middle of a sentence but it got too complicated so lets take it from the top.

If you've read me before you've noticed that one of my favorite past times is pointing out some of the absurdities that come alone with our modern mainstream media. Now this is not a blog about liberal or conservative bias. No this is about just how many stupid things they can do in the course of a newscycle. And since Wolf Blitzer invented the 24 hour newscylce, they can do a lot of stupid stuff.

One of the things that I find myself laughing at the most as well as getting pissed off at is all the things they attempt to put on their screen on top of their actual programing news. You have the telecast your watching. Below that you have a "ticker" updating you on some headlines. Usually just giving you tidbits that you can brag about to your friends. Unless one of your friends pursues a higher level of journalism than CNN or Fox or MSNBC does and you know actually asks you a follow up question. You have NO more information. All you saw was a 15 word headline. And that's probably all CNN knows too.

So you have the telecast and a ticker nice right? Well thats not all. Than you have the time and temp, then sometimes you have the business ticker. Then you have a picture in picture thing showing you the press conference they are going to cover next. And then there is a changing box telling you the pedigrees of the pundents you are listening too. Then that changes and tells you about the BREAKING NEWS or DEVELOPING STORIES that these pundits are currently discussing. By no means are these breaking news. And then on top of it all some networks offer an inside look at Wolf Blitzer's beard! I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!

American Philosopher actually called CNN out on this thing.

Anyways my biggest complaint about this crawler is how incredibly vague it can be. And if they don't go out of their way to explain it, you might have not any idea what they are talking about.

Today I was watching CNN Newsroom and on the bottom of the screen read
UPDATE: Wounded Tiger faces rankings challenge.

Go head, right now and write down what you think that is talking about.

I honestly had NO IDEA!! I am a pretty bright guy, I mean I watch CNN, I should be able to at least translate there language right?

My first thought was Dick Cheney shot another tiger, oh way that was Putin. But then I thought, is this referring to a BCS bowl rankings challenge? Is this wounded tiger not getting the respect from the AP because it's strength of schedule rating wasn't high enough?

Why would a tiger be in a college football game? And who wounded it?

So then I decided it was time to google the phrase and see what happened. While I was waiting for my computer to boot up, (20 hours or so). I thought to myself, oh maybe its a race horse.

Finally I googled the phrase and got a CNN website no doubt. Fortunately they had taken time to post an entire story.

Wounded Tiger faces rankings challenge

Look at your piece of paper again. How many of you ACTUALLY thought, Oh I bet thats about Tiger Woods!

That is just a terrible use of language if you ask me. First of all Tiger Woods wasn't wounded, he was injured. I am not sure if there is a definitive difference, but I think the connotations are slightly different in the United States.

Second of all the man's name is Tiger, so let's use the language in a way that doesn't make it sound like he was an animal that was shot by a Russian dictator. Seriously.

Yes this was a long one, but I hope you enjoyed it.

Ladies and gentlemen take my advice, if your going to use parenthesis as often as I tend to, you should probably figure out how to do it properly. By no means is my blog a proper template for correct gramatical format. If your looking to me for that, then perhaps you need a stimulas package too. THATS WHAT SHE SAID!!

My friends, welcome to the first posting of the new year and the new administration. Do you think President Obama would be funny enough to end every sentence today with the phrase, "In the new administration?"

"Do you deliver pizza in the new administration?"

No I wouldn't think so either. But since Aaron Morey is probably the only person that will read this blog, I feel obliged to at least give him some type of inside joke.

So here we go. Only minutes, even SECONDS into his Presidency, Barack Obama lied to the American people.

According to the Associated Press "FACT CHECK" in the third line of his speech, the newly inaugurated president claimed that, "44 Americans have now taken the presidential oath."

Now I don't intend this to be a hate on Obama blog, but AS soon as he said that, I shot straight up from the couch. Having ventured to Rockford for the historic return of Trolley Car #36 I was relaxing in my parents living room watching history unfold. Or in this case watch history be misquoted. Now consider the fact that I had been up since 5pm the previous day as to how easy an error this was to spot.

What was the error you ask? Obama is our 44th President. Well this is entirely true. But as any avid Simpsons fan could tell you, Grover Cleavland held the Office of the President on two NON consecutive occasions. Meaning that he is recorded as being both the 22nd and the 24th President of the United States.

Now the funny thing is that I have yet to find a major news agency pick up this story. I have only found blogs and the APs "FACT CHECK." which hardly qualifies. I have actually done a extensive amount of reserach for this blog. I ran through google and found a website dedicated to Language that discusses it. As well as a CBS News blog that seems hardly confident in admitting the 44th President's error.

In the end I guess it doesn't matter. One way or another this Inaguration will be making Marv Alberts Blooper reals. (I would encourage my Catholic friends to pay attention to the 1:23 mark of the video). Though the reason for making the blooper real would be less the President's fault and more the Chief Justice's error. Now this is a story every agency IS picking up on. As you may have noticed there was a little stumbling on the administering of the oath of office, or as one blogger cleverly called it, the oaf of office. My favorite part was when the Chief Justice turned the "So help me God" part of the oath, into a question, rather than a statement the President was to repeat.

You may not care about my opinion, but on the other hand your reading my blog. My guess is the Chief Justice screwed it up and it confused Obama, who was proably pretty nervous and most presumedly had practiced it before stepping on stage in front of 8 million devotees who were in all actuality waitng for the Kanye concert to start.

So I don't know about the error in counting thing. Though if you look at White House.gov official listing of Presidents, which is now run by the Obama administration, that there have been 44 presidents and only 43 men who have served as president. I think they need to fire a speech writer or 7. Toby Ziegler would be pissed.

Maybe President Obama got some bad intel?

Ladies and gentleman take my advice, I would seriously encourage you to look at every link posted. The add value to the overall humor of this post. I would also encourage you to not flame me for this post. I am really not hating on the President. But I think a lot of people who would normally make fun of the President are not going to, so it will be my cross to carry. Oh and did I mention that I like turtles?

When I was a young warthog. (WHEN HE WAS A YOUNG WARTHOG). I was a big fan of various teams of superheros. These included the Thundercats, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, The Real Ghostbusters, and the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Being a fan I was very defensive of any time some member of the liberal mainstream media would attempt to defame my beloved heroes of the time.

Occassionally a story would appear in the paper about a group of kids who went down to the sewer looking for our heroes in a half shell. One story appeared during the transition in fandom between the Turtles and the Power Rangers.

Apparently a group of boys in some other country beat up a girl because they were playing Turtles. But Turtles and Power Rangers were blamed with contributing to the increased violence in our society. Regardless of the fact that we live in a soceity that allows for the brutal murdering of our unborn children merley for convenience and a backup contraceptive of sorts.

Anyways the debate went on over the Power Rangers and their place in our childrens imagination. Being an extremely opininated 3rd grader, I was overly defensive. I was convinced the Power Rangers were the heroes and could not be held responsible.

So I was always one to believe more in a childs ability to watch violent things like Power Rangers without killing people. Well recent events seems to prove me wrong.

You may have heard that Pirate attacks are on the rise.

I am unsure if Pirate attacks have always happened and they are just being reported by the media more, or if the sudden increase in the populatrity of pirates is contributing to this disturbing trend. Clearly the Pirates of the Caribbean film franchise has added to the increased violence on the high seas.

I don't vote for censorship, but I would advise people to be careful what they let their people watch.

Ladies and gentlemen take my advice, if you are going to be a violent pirate, at least have the courtesy to dress the part. This whole t-shirt, jeans and a gun thing just isn't cutting it. Seriously why is the rum always gone?

A long time ago in news room far far away...

News anchors would have to put up with their correspondents in the field being annoyed by people in the background of whatever setting the correspondent was in. To us the home viewer this was always a delight. 9 out of 10 times it was your cousin Bubba that no one talks about. But nobody was ever bothered by this because usually the correspondent was on our turf disrupting our life. So a little smile here, a wave to mommy there, a flash of body hair in places I never knew grew hair, no harm done.

Well apparently Wolf Blitzer had a problem with this. Wanting to get more intimate with some of his correspondents (Nicole Versansky of Rockford's WIFR comes to mind) Wolf took it upon himself to create a new technology.

Single handedly, Wolf Blitzer used the power of the dark side, and his beard to create a hologram technology that allowed him to literally beam in correspondents from the field into the newsroom. Or the situation room if you know what I mean.

Don't believe me?

How many angles to do you think Wolf would like to shoot her from?

Strangely this technology was only used once on the air. But surprisingly, Jessia Yellin found herself continually beamed into Wolf's beard.

We have to take a break from this because the 4077th is ready to make a projection, just one moment


Okay with it being 5:30 right now, we are ready to project that you will probably NOT see this hologram technology on CNN anytime soon. They spent all their money on John Kings new toys including a flat screen HD monitor that has little elves inside of it that actually go out and color the states whatever color Mr. King desires.

So i know I promised election analysis, but it seems to me as if things are pretty obvious. The economy sucks and people blame George Bush. And because we saw Bush and McCain hanging out at that one party that one time, we were totally pissed at McCain. So now we're cheating on him with Obama to try and make him jealous.

Ladies and gentleman take my advice, If Wolf Blitzer ever invites you into a tent with 35 HD cameras filming differnt parts of your body, run away as quickly as you can.